On Becoming a Mama

The question of "when will I feel like a mother" was on the mind of a blogger who is pregnant with her first child. As I read her blog, I reflected on my own thoughts of becoming a mother over the last 18 (almost 19---yikes!) months.


I will admit that, when I was pregnant, I never stopped to think about the fact that I was about to be what my mama is to me for someone else. I may have thought, "I am about to be the mother to a son" but the enormity of becoming someone's mama never fully hit me.


Even after giving birth to a seven week early, 4 pound alien (although a beautiful, handsome alien) after being on bedrest for 5 weeks, I still didn't feel like a mama. He went to NICU, and I went home after recovering from my c-section. I loved him, but was I really his mama?


I visited him in the NICU everyday for two weeks until he came home. People often asked me, "How can you leave your son in NICU?" or "It must be so hard for you to leave your son at the hospital". Honestly, it wasn't hard. I knew he was receiving the best care in NICU, and I was scared to care for a four pound baby on my own! He needed a mama to do that. And, was I really his mama?


At last the time came for Rob and I to take Andrew home. We were nervous, as are any new parents. Still, as we drove away from the hospital, the concept of "mama-hood" didn't register with my anxiety-stricken brain.


I think the realization of "mama-hood" happens at different points to different women. For me, there was no big "aha" moment. Just small instances and incidents where I have realized my new name...."mama".


My first mama-moment came at his first doctors visit, the day after Andrew came home. A questionnaire I was completing asked the relationship of the respondent (me) to the patient (Andrew). As I wrote "Mother", I almost had a panic attack. "Wait a minute....I really am his mama. I will be responsible for making medical decisions for him! Oh my goodness. What have I gotten myself, and this baby, into!".



Then the reality of being a new mom hit home. You know, the sleepless nights, crying, changing diapers, feeding, doctor's visits, why did I do this to myself?, type of stuff. I sure wasn't examining motherhood in my thoughts. I was just trying to survive!


Next thing I know, he gave the first smile to me. His mama. Then we dealt with separation anxiety. Where he only wanted me. His mama. After hurting himself from a fall or banging his head, he cried to me. His mama. Then he said it, "Mama". And he was calling for me. And now, he wakes up and calls my name, "Maaamaaa!", to come get him out of his crib. And I am the first person to the door (because his mama misses him, of course!). If I take time to think about it, these moments are when I know I am a mama.

Some days I still feel like I am playing house. And Rob and Andrew will have to be returned. And I will go back to my old room at my mama's house. I wonder, am I really a wife and a mother?

And then I hear Andrew calling from his crib, "Maaamaa". And I carry on raising, training, and loving my child because that is what mama's do.